I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
