I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
