I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize