oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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