i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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