We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
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