Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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