Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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