mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
