I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Randomize
