Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
