The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize