You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
