dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize