once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
