I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
