Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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