We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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