i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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