Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
