My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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