i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
