Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
