Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Randomize
