my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
