Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
When did angry sex become our thing?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
we're so committed to being not committed
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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