I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Randomize
