I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
