Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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