evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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