I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
