After last night, I could never be a politician.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
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