did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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