be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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