I cockslap morals
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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