Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
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