explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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