so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
