On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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