I think i peed on brittanys purse
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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