He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
