Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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