this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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