My friends, they love my intelligence
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
