I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
