so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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