Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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