3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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