Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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