take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
