I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
