I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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