Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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