i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
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