im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
