Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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