shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Randomize
