are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
He better not be in your backpack
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
