I think i sorta joined a cult last night
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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