So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
