the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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