I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Randomize
