For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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