I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
