When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
BRING THE BAGELS
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
