Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
