Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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