I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
